Grandma vs Zombie Sex

I've been a grandma for a while now and like to think that I'm fairly decent at it. However, lately, I'm beginning to wonder. I'm beginning to wonder because things keep cropping up that I find myself at a loss to explain. I feel like, and grandmas everywhere will relate to this...a mom.

Yes, that's right. I feel like a mom again in that insane "What the hell do I do/say now?" kind of way. I had this illusion that grandparents were somehow exempt from that, as we can just say, "Go ask your mom or dad" when the hard questions crop up. And this worked for me because even when mom and dad weren't around I've always been able to offset every question I've ever gotten from a grandkid with some kind of explanation, even if I had to fake my way through it.

Grandkid: Grandma, why is the sky blue?
Me: When the angels weep their tears are trapped in our atmosphere. Their tears are blue.

Grandkid: Grandma, what is peanut butter made from?
Me: Peanuts and butter.

Grandkid: Grandma, why does Santa Clause wear a red suit?
Me: Because he looks really good in red.

Grandkid: Grandma, why do horses run so fast?
ME: Because someone is chasing them.

You can see how I thought I had a handle on the "hard questions." I thought I was a natural, born to be a super grandma. However, my grandson, Ian, threw me a curve the other day.

Ian: Grandma, how do zombies have sex?
Me: Umm....umm....umm....

I've had some interesting sexual experiences, but never one that I can recall with a zombie, at least while I was sober, so this kind of caught me off guard. I had no prior experience to draw on, unless you consider dating that one really boring guy in college. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what the hell do you say to a question like that?

I took a deep breath and another and...another. I've written some crazy sex scenes with the undead, but never with a zombie included, so I relied on my experience with The Walking Dead and World War Z to get me through.

Ian: Grandma, how do zombies have sex?
Me: Umm....umm....umm....well, like anyone who really likes to eat humans and is hungry all the time has sex. Why do you want to know?
Ian: Because there are so many of them in the movies and they don't take very long to be made and it took a long time for Remi to come out of Mommy's belly and if it took that long for zombies there couldn't be that many, could there? So I thought they had fast sex or something.
Me: (sniffling because Remi is Ian's baby sister and he couldn't wait for her to be born) Well, honey, zombies are made a different way. From a virus, I think. By the way, do you know what sex is?
Ian: Sure. It's where mommy and daddy decide to make babies and close the bedroom door a lot.
Me: (somewhat relieved) Yep. That's it.

So you can see that I made it out of that one in the clear, but what about the next one? What happens when he asks me harder questions, like why Donald Trump is actually in the running for president? Or if vampires really sparkle in the sunlight?

I fear I'm losing my touch, my grandma touch. What happens when Ian asks a question I don't have a ready answer to?  Hopefully, I'll have this grandma thing figured out by then, but I don't know. Any suggestions? Please do share.

Zombies, Nudists, and Antarctica

I’m not obsessed with zombies. Really. I’m obsessed with the idea that in one strange moment I could go from being in a snit about the weather to terrified that I can’t get out of the house because the yard is filled with the undead.

Yes, I watch too much TV.

But you have to admit that it’s fascinating to think about what would happen if cyborgs invaded your favorite restaurant mid-entrée or if aliens took over your favorite work-out place while you’re sweating on the treadmill. I think of this often, which is why I never miss a chance to tell my DH or any family member that I love him/her, just in case the zombies come and I’m stuck in traffic trying to get back from lunch and never see them again because the vampire hordes took over.

My latest concern about the zombie/cyborg/alien/whatever-else-will-keep-me-awake-at-night apocalypse stems from my nudist tendencies. I don’t like clothes. Never have and never will. So, consequently, I go without them whenever possible. I sleep naked whenever possible, which thrills my DH to no end, but doesn’t bode well for sudden emergencies such as fires, tornadoes, invading stampedes of possessed toy dolls, etc. Yes, I keep my skivvies by the bedside, but when the wave of the flesh-munchers invades, will I be able to get dressed in time to make a run for it? What if I can’t? How long can I survive without clothing in a world where I must face the creepiest of creepies mano y mano or risk a no-win tussle with the elements?

I think of these things and just when I convince myself that, yes, even with my naked ways I could probably figure out a way to survive the onslaught of zombies, I get on Yahoo and all my best mental pep talks are ruined.

For example, the other day I found an article about a hypothetical situation in which a virus caused a zombie apocalypse. The article asserted that movies portray the spread of the disease illogically, because although a virus would spread rampantly through a city with millions of people, it would slow down as the population grew sparser. And the population grows sparser when it moves toward cooler climates. The article touted Glacier State Park as a really good location to avoid the worst of the zombie invasion.

Really?

Do you know how cold glaciers are? It’s not like you can wear tank tops and sundresses and hang out on a glacier. Therefore, my interpretation of this is that…

I’m screwed.

If I continue in my anti-clothing ways, I’m never going to make it to the non-zombie camp in Antarctica or even to the slightly colder regions of the US (Heaven knows my region is cold enough). In other words, if I want to live past the first wave of those-who-want-to-chew-my-bones, I need to have clothing at the ready at all points in time. That, I feel, puts a definite cramp in my style, given “clothing at the ready” for me means possibly a T-shirt by my bedside.

I suppose I shouldn’t worry about it, but I do. However, I turn it into something positive. I think about what a great story it would make: a nudist colony fighting an attack by zombies on the hunt for human flesh. Who would win? How hard would the nudists fight for their right to stay naked no matter what?

I know I’d fight pretty hard, but that’s just me. And that’s enough of this post for right now. I’m off to work on my next story, which is about—you guessed it—a nudist colony. Can’t wait to finish the fifth chapter. Will post an excerpt soon.

Happy Reading!

The Zombie Epiphany

I don’t often find the urge to write about zombies, but my hubby just watched World War Z, and I have to say it made an impact on me. We’re big fans of The Walking Dead, for whatever reason I do not know, and so World War Z promised to be fairly entertaining. However, I didn’t just find it entertaining, but a little eye-opening and thought-provoking.

What about zombies is thought-provoking, you might ask? I think on some fundamental level the idea of immortality fascinates us all, and zombies sort of represent that. They represent the kind of living, or unliving as the case may be, for eternity we all fear—a soulless existence based on endless need. Vampires live forever, but they represent a tolerable kind of immortality, if you don’t mind drinking blood and watching reruns of “Friends” for eternity. You get to dress fashionably, the sex is supposedly to die for (tee-hee), and depending on the variation of the vampire tale, you might be strong, fast, or sparkly, or some combination of all three. And you can read minds, too. 

Zombies don’t even have minds, just some part of the brain that drives them to eat and eat and eat, and not even good stuff like cookies or pancakes. No, they eat people and animals and sometimes each other if nothing else ambles into their path. Parts of them fall off, too, like fingers and noses, unlike vampires who are ethereally tempting and beautiful. So I think people watch zombie movies because they can safely experience a terrible kind of eternity and feel grateful at the end of the ninety minutes that they don’t have to chomp on their family members or neighbors to get sustenance. Sort of makes going to work on Monday a little less of a chore.

If you’ve ever watched The Walking Dead, you’ve seen what I always thought of as the typical zombie. The Walking Dead variety move slow, so you could probably out-run them, but they tend to lurk in places you’d least expect them and are masters at the surprise attack. One of these zombies is escapable, but when they pack up, they can tear down buildings or tear people apart, like an immense wave of decaying flesh. It’s more than a little terrifying to see a pack of them stumbling along, forwardly mobile eating machines that will munch on anything that can’t escape their numbers.

Even more terrifying were the zombies in World War Z. Being used to the lethargic, fairly low-energy Walking Dead zombies, I was shocked at how predatory and high-energy these zombies were, fiends on caffeine. Once exposed to the virus that caused the zombie-ism, a human would start flailing around like he was being shocked with a cattle prod, then go all crazy and start jumping on others and biting them, making more zombies. These were the fastest undead I’ve ever seen, and they didn’t just run in packs, but flowed like water around their victims. I’d always seen such slow moving creepers that these super-sonic flesh-eaters were a hundred times more frightening.

The most frightening aspect of World War Z, though, was in a scene with Brad Pitt and a zombie that was gnashing its teeth at him threateningly. At one point, I realized, horrified, that the zombie reminded me of…me. To be more exact, me when I’m nagging at my husband. It was a spot on resemblance, but my hubby didn’t seem to notice. I, however, am planning on taking nagging lessons. It’s one thing to be a shrew, but I don’t have to look like a flesh-muncher doing it.

What about you? Do you dig zombies? Have a fave zombie movie? Or do you have another terrifying creature that haunts your dreams? Please do share. 

Happy Reading!