Scottish Humor

As you might imagine, most Scots have a great sense of humor. And I love to include some humor in my Scottish stories. I've been collecting bits and pieces of humorous Scottish things for a while and thought I'd share some with you.

How to fish in Scotland

Giant Haggis chasing tourists

Scottish jokes. No offense meant to any nationality. For laughs only. :)

A Scotsman and Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.

The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scots coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out" POOF and it's done.

The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says, "tell me about this wall".

"Well," says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out."

"OK," says the Scotsman "Fill it with water."
---

An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked, "Where are you from?"

The American replied, "I'm from the finest country in the world."

The Scot looked skeptical and replied "Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

---
Jock and an American were flying across the Atlantic to New York when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked.

" Yes, a whisky" Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the American if he'd like one.

"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying " Shoot, I didn't know there was a choice!"