Genes Versus Jeans

Wow! How does one end a week of non-stop eye candy? We’ve had a veritable visual feast, and now I’m to provide the dessert. I’ve thought about this all week and have to say, the pressure has been too much. Therefore, I’m reverting back to something I know and love—science. That’s right. We’re going to discuss nature versus nurture, or, more specifically, how jeans can affect genes.

In short, the nature vs. nurture debate is about what influences who we become as individuals the most. Is it heredity and our biological make-up? Or does the environment--the people, places, and events that nurture us--have a greater impact? Like any dedicated scientist and blogger, I set out to discover the answer to those hot, burning questions by engaging in an experiment. I'd heard a great pair of jeans can make all the difference, no matter what body type a person is born with, and so all I had to do was find some random men with varying physical attributes, ask them to put on a great pair of jeans, and see if said apparel influenced their appearances in any way. I, of course, took Leonidas with me to record all my data, as he has all those legs, you know, and here is what we, as intrepid seekers of knowledge, discovered. Please note that all names of test subjects have been changed to the names of my heroes to protect the innocent as well as engage in shameless self-promotion. :)

Our first subject was Randy. No, that wasn't his state of being at the time, but later...oooh la la. Randy is truly a 98-pound weakling. Tiny and frail, he could barely lift the pen to sign the release form. He was about to get fired from the ranch where he worked because he just couldn't do any of the heavy lifting--and he owns the ranch. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Randy was going to fire himself! However, after Leonidas and I helped him into this nice, comfy pair of jeans, just look what happened! From skin and bones to a six pack and pecs. A couple of nice tattoos even appeared out of nowhere. Obviously, a little nurturing on our part, with the help of some stone-washed denim, overcame Randy's physical limitations nicely, don't you agree? So that's Nurture: 1 and Nature: 0. Randy begged us to let him keep the jeans, and how could I say no? So, after Leonidas recorded Randy's cell number--hey, for follow-up questions!--off we trudged to find our next hunk, er, subject.


Poor Beau. Even though he worked out regularly, had a great body, and boasted a wonderful sense of humor AND a sports car, women rarely noticed him. Why? His height. At only 4'2", women literally overlooked his other fine qualities. Could a great pair of jeans help Beau overcome this statuesque obstacle? It's hard to see here, but after donning the jeans we gave him, Beau appeared to grow at least two feet. That's right--6'2". If you look closely at his torso, you can tell from the dimensions that this is true. I mean, just LOOK at his torso. It is a fine torso, isn't it? And you should have seen his a--, er, where was I? Aah, yes, Nurture: 2 and Nature: 0. Next!

Subject #3, Mark, is 94-years-old. He's outlived two wives and has three great-great grandchildren. Mark longed for a more youthful physique, tired of shuffling along all stooped over. It took quite a bit of effort to get Mark into these hole-y Levi's, but, alas, when the deed was done, Mark couldn't have been happier with the results. Can you see why?
Yes, these jeans made him look younger, definitely. He stood tall, like a nice bottle of aged wine in a new package. The transition was nothing short of amazing. You wouldn't believe his stamina either! Not that I'm saying I would know what that is, but I can just imagine. I can just imagine a lot of things when I look at this picture. I can picture, for example...nevermind.

There were other subjects, but I think you get the idea. Nurture wins pants, um, I mean, hands down. In every case, a great pair of Lees managed to offset the subject's natural physiological make-up--his genes were no match for our jeans.

So, there you have it folks. I've solved the nature/nurture debate with one simple experiment, wherein I gave my all to find the answers to the question that has haunted the scientific community at large for decades. I'm waiting for the call from the North Dakota Journal of Something or Other, offering me wads of cash for an interview and the opportunity to publish my research findings.

On a final note, experimentation often leads to some startling surprises. For example, I discovered during my research, completely by accident, that when a woman asks a man, "Is that a mouse in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?", there is, indeed, a mouse in his pocket.