Wine at the Gyn

I've written before about how much I hate to go for my yearly pap smear. My trip to the gynecologist's office is often filled with angst and trepidation only reserved for major surgery, such as the removal of one's head. I don't know why this is so. It just is.

Perhaps it's the fact someone is sticking an object that doesn't really belong there in an orifice I hold to be very near and dear to me. Perhaps I'm terrified that my gyn will find something terrible lurking in my squishy depths. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll cough and the specula will shoot out of my vagina and hit my gyn in the face (Eeeewwwwww!). It doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm so terrified of this yearly ordeal I hatched a plan to get through it that involved wine.

Not a lot of wine, just one of those little bottles you can get in 4-packs at grocery stores (Hey, I did my research). A whole bottle would be better, but it wouldn't fit into my purse. I thought that maybe I would sign in and give my urine sample, because drinking alcohol before that would mess up my urine test. While still in the bathroom, I could pull out my little bottle of vino and gulp it down. Then I'd return to the waiting room in a state of semi-bliss until I actually got to see my doctor.

This idea made me feel better. Empowered even. However, it only works in theory. In reality, I worried that if I gulped down any liquid, I would have to pee during my exam. That's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Also, what if the doctor asked an important question, such as "Did you know you're pregnant?" or "Do you want a hysterectomy right now?" and I was too obliterated to respond?

So I didn't do it. I weathered through the poking, prodding, and scraping of my internal parts in an effort to ensure my reproductive health would remain non-life-threatening. However, the wine plan is still something I plan to revisit next year, and perhaps I'll find a way around my misgivings. What about you? If you have plan for getting through the yearly gyn exam, please do share. You may save people millions of dollars on wine. :)