It Ain't Sexy...

I've looked forward to autumn for some time now; however, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the warmth of the summer sun. Thoughts of the sun bring thoughts of the ocean, which I adore, and thoughts of the ocean invariably bring thoughts of sailors and pirates. So, I thought that I would write something about sexy pirate heroes, since it would connect nicely to the post about anti-heroes. After all, how can temperamental scalawags with a penchant for wild women and too much port be the object of any woman’s desire?

That post was my intention, but it didn’t work out quite that way. I went searching for some new hunk pics, hopefully some in pirate costumes, to, you know, add a visual perspective to the text, and that’s when I decided my post needed to take a different direction.

I haven’t searched for images in a long time, so I’d forgotten what happens when one types in search terms like “sexy men” or “erotic+men” on a royalty free image site. After the first couple of photos popped up, it all came flooding back. Yikes!

What you get when you do a search like this is about four pictures of sexy men and 2,809,654 of what other people consider “erotic” or “sexy,” and it ain’t pretty. Granted, some photographers tag their work with that label just to get their pictures to come up in a variety of searches in a lame attempt to get more sales, and thus along with sexy or erotic men, you might also get pictures of a male zebra taking leak, Godzilla doing the tango through some poorly constructed model of Tokyo, or a toddler blowing out birthday candles, which is just creepy. However, I got the impression that some photographers label their pictures truly believing they know what constitutes sexy or erotic in the eyes of others, as well as their own, when in fact the results of their artistic efforts are anything but.

I have my own ideas on what is considered sexy, as I’m sure everyone does, and I’d like to know what yours are. Please feel free to elaborate in the comments section at will. In the meantime, I’d like to, based on the results I saw, explore what is NOT sexy. I've included some photos I thought had the potential to be sexy just to, you know, add some verve. :)

A picture with a man and a woman engaged is some kind of sexy activity or posed in an erotic way is not sexy at all if one of the participants looks like he or she would rather be anywhere else, or dead. If a guy is fondling or licking a woman in a picture and she looks like jumping off a cliff is starting appear as a viable alternative…it ain’t sexy.

Also, bodily functions…not even in the realm of erotic. Pictures of a guy’s bared chest, with muscles rippling, can be sexy. If said guy’s intense expression—squinted eyes and a grimace—even though intended to send a carnal vibe, indicates he could be having a bowel movement…it ain’t sexy. Ditto for drooling. People drooling on each other is not close to being sexy, even if one is supposed to be a vampire and the drool is red. On the realistic side, drooling means someone probably needs medical attention. On the fantasy side, you really have to know why vampires are considered hot to stage a pose that looks like a creature of the night delighting in lustful abandon with his damsel as opposed some cheaply costumed model slobbering for all he’s worth on his counterpart, who’s probably hoping she doesn’t get rabies.

I’ve discovered in my research that pictures can be half sexy. I found one very expensive shot of a handsome man, shirt open, sporting an inviting, smoky, come-hither stare. That part was sexy. The other part, a blonde standing behind the man clutching him, ruined the whole shot. Why? Blue eye shadow. She wore enough for both of them, and though I could see she was beautiful, it made her look like she came from another decade and gave off a really maternal vibe. Dudes dating their moms…definitely not sexy.

In doing my searches, I was also reminded that society apparently thinks that guys need more sexy material than women. When I typed in "sexy," I got about 8,101 results. When I limited the search to "sexy men," the numbers when down dramatically--173. But "sexy women" netted 1,920 results. So, 2% versus 23%. It's as if no one could believe women like us would have any interest at all in scantily clad men. Noooo, not us innocent ladies. HA!

Other results included psychedelic colors and stone therapy, which are, I guess, supposed invite ardor in some way. One benefit of my efforts was that I was heartened to find the following pictures and to discover that it is now, according to the photographers on the royalty free image site, sexy to do the following:

Work in a lab (test tubes as phallic symbols?)


Carry a cool purse and wear ridiculously-heeled shoes and tight metallic pants...


Use the bathroom (although you must have matching shoes and panties!)

And best of all, it's sexy to have cellulite!

So, what is sexy to you? What is NOT sexy? Any sexy trends that you think are just complete bunk? Any sexy trends you'd like to see?