Grandma vs Zombie Sex
I've been a grandma for a while now and like to think that I'm fairly decent at it. However, lately, I'm beginning to wonder. I'm beginning to wonder because things keep cropping up that I find myself at a loss to explain. I feel like, and grandmas everywhere will relate to this...a mom.

Yes, that's right. I feel like a mom again in that insane "What the hell do I do/say now?" kind of way. I had this illusion that grandparents were somehow exempt from that, as we can just say, "Go ask your mom or dad" when the hard questions crop up. And this worked for me because even when mom and dad weren't around I've always been able to offset every question I've ever gotten from a grandkid with some kind of explanation, even if I had to fake my way through it.

Grandkid: Grandma, why is the sky blue?
Me: When the angels weep their tears are trapped in our atmosphere. Their tears are blue.

Grandkid: Grandma, what is peanut butter made from?
Me: Peanuts and butter.

Grandkid: Grandma, why does Santa Clause wear a red suit?
Me: Because he looks really good in red.

Grandkid: Grandma, why do horses run so fast?
ME: Because someone is chasing them.

You can see how I thought I had a handle on the "hard questions." I thought I was a natural, born to be a super grandma. However, my grandson, Ian, threw me a curve the other day.

Ian: Grandma, how do zombies have sex?
Me: Umm....umm....umm....

I've had some interesting sexual experiences, but never one that I can recall with a zombie, at least while I was sober, so this kind of caught me off guard. I had no prior experience to draw on, unless you consider dating that one really boring guy in college. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what the hell do you say to a question like that?

I took a deep breath and another and...another. I've written some crazy sex scenes with the undead, but never with a zombie included, so I relied on my experience with The Walking Dead and World War Z to get me through.

Ian: Grandma, how do zombies have sex?
Me: Umm....umm....umm....well, like anyone who really likes to eat humans and is hungry all the time has sex. Why do you want to know?
Ian: Because there are so many of them in the movies and they don't take very long to be made and it took a long time for Remi to come out of Mommy's belly and if it took that long for zombies there couldn't be that many, could there? So I thought they had fast sex or something.
Me: (sniffling because Remi is Ian's baby sister and he couldn't wait for her to be born) Well, honey, zombies are made a different way. From a virus, I think. By the way, do you know what sex is?
Ian: Sure. It's where mommy and daddy decide to make babies and close the bedroom door a lot.
Me: (somewhat relieved) Yep. That's it.

So you can see that I made it out of that one in the clear, but what about the next one? What happens when he asks me harder questions, like why Donald Trump is actually in the running for president? Or if vampires really sparkle in the sunlight?

I fear I'm losing my touch, my grandma touch. What happens when Ian asks a question I don't have a ready answer to?  Hopefully, I'll have this grandma thing figured out by then, but I don't know. Any suggestions? Please do share.









  • Stolen by a Highland Rogue

    Stolen by a Highland Rogue
    Vonda Sinclair 8/27/16

    Highlander Unbroken

    Highlander Unbroken
    Vonda Sinclair 5/10/16

    Alpha Wolf Need Not Apply

    Alpha Wolf Need Not Apply
    Terry Spear 5/3/16

    Conqueror Vanquished

    Conqueror Vanquished
    Leigh Court, 4/26/16

    Taken by a Navy SEAL

    Taken by a Navy SEAL
    Carly Carson 9/5/2016

    The Viking's Highland Lass

    The Viking's Highland Lass
    Terry Spear 4/4/16

    SEAL Wolf In Too Deep

    SEAL Wolf In Too Deep
    Terry Spear 2/2/16

    Programmed For Power

    Programmed For Power
    Jenna Ives, 10/25/15

    Taming the Wild Cougar

    Taming the Wild Cougar
    Terry Spear 10/20/15

    Her Royal Mistake

    Her Royal Mistake
    Natasha Moore 8/20/15

    SEAL Wolf Hunting

    SEAL Wolf Hunting
    Terry Spear 7/7/15

    Her Royal Rendezvous

    Her Royal Rendezvous
    Natasha Moore, 10/5/14

    The Cottage Next Door

    The Cottage Next Door
    Natasha Moore, 9/16/14

    Playing For Real

    Playing For Real
    Natasha Moore, 2/4/14

    Dragon Song

    Dragon Song
    Cameo, 3/11/13

    The Snow Job

    The Snow Job
    Cameo, 2/13/13