I normally don't advertise that I'm a smoker. It's not something I'm especially proud of and unless your family or a close friend, you probably don't know. I don't smoke at work and I'm one to shower if I'm going out because I hate smelling like a cigarette. You'd think all these things would've got me to quit smoking long before now, but nope. I actually enjoy it, which is the truly crappy part.
I quit once about twelve years ago after smoking for ten years. I picked up the bad habit when I was fifteen. The then DH and I decided we wanted kids, we were both smokers, so we quit. And we stayed quit for a little over five years. Then things started going south with the marriage, we started smoking as we tried working out our difference and now here I am six years later, still smoking. A lot. Unfortunately, I'm also a writer now too and I smoke while I write. BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE!
I've reached that point. I knew it was coming. I'd been tossing around the idea for awhile now. But I have a 22 year history with smoking. You can't be tossing around the idea. You have to be ready or you're not going to succeed. I'm ready to quit. I'm seriously tired of the hold smoking has on my life. I'm tired of spending the money. I'm tired of feeling dirty inside after I've had a marathon writing/editing session. I'm simply tired of smoking.
Three days ago, I "quit." Just decided Sunday that would be my last pack of cigarette. Mostly because I felt like complete crud after a 35 hour non-stop editing session. There was a five hour nap in there. A nap. I do not call five hours a sleep, lol. But I smoked so much in those hours I was disgusted with myself with how much I'd smoked. Unfortunately that is how entwined smoking and my writing has become. And its not good. It has to change.
I am now on Day 3. I'm not going to pretend I've gone cold-turkey. I have not. But I have went from smoking over a pack a day to having no more than three cigarettes. The only reason I had those was because I was seriously fearful for the lives of those around me. You laugh, but I'm not joking.
That's the thing. I don't remember it being this HARD last time. I swear I remember it being easy to quit last time. Like it was a piece of cake. Duuuude. Noooo. I've gone through withdrawals. Day One was horrible. Absolutely horrible. I don't remember withdrawals last time. Now I did wear the patch back then, which maybe is why I didn't have the nausea, dizziness and feeling like there is so much pressure in my head that its going to explode. Today hasn't been as bad. There is still a fuzziness to my mind. Like I can't completely concentrate, but the nausea, so far, is gone.
The worst part has been the cravings. This consuming, overwhelming, gnawing craving for a smoke that Oh. My. God. drive you insane. Makes you tense, edgy, angry. And in that moment you would do ANYTHING for a cigarette. These moments seriously piss me off, because it reminds me of how addicted I am to something and how I am now struggling to let go of it.
I'm having the hardest time writing. Like I said above, smoking while I write was the biggest mistake I have ever made. It is my biggest trigger. I sit down, open up my MS and I'm immediately ready to reach for my pack of cigs. While I have been writing this blog post, I have already been up five times, paced around the house, fisted my hands in my hair, and I'm already getting the urge to get up again. Why? Because I have the urge to smoke. And because I tend to smoke the entire time I write, the urge is constantly there. So I power through. I know it will take time to adjust, and stop linking writing with smoking, but it really, really, really sucks right now.
Any ex-smokers have any advice?
Abby
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