In the News...

I’ve been trying to distract myself from a task that I have no interest in (obviously it’s not related to writing), so naturally I’ve turned to the Internet for inspiration/therapy/excuses. Sadly, that means I’ve been reading a myriad of articles on supposed news sites that, for the most part, are absolutely meaningless, stupid, or unbelievably inane. I can’t believe some of the articles I read or the teaser headlines (Fecal Matter and You--Swimming Pool Survival Tips), but I read them anyway just to see how far out these journalistic outlets have gone on reporting some of their “news.”

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I’ll find an amazingly insightful article on something that’s actually newsworthy; however, most of what I’ve read lately has led me to believe that’s the exception, not the standard. So, for today’s post, in the spirit of Internet journalism, I’ve come up with a list of article suggestions for these news outlets in case they run out of articles on the royal birth. They’re below.

1.How Your Mascara Could Kill Your Neighbor’s Parakeet
2.How to Dance with a Creepy Guy to Avoid Dancing with a Creepier Guy
3.How to Write an Article on What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman Without Sounding Like an Obnoxious Pregnant Woman
4.Five ways to Turn Your $5,000 Wedding Dress into Napkins
5.Six Wines You Should Drink All at Once
6.Three Reasons Why Men/Women Cheat
7.Two Reasons Why No One Cares if Men/Women Cheat
8.How to Teach a Squid to Dance
9.The Latest Cure for Menopause…NOT! Ha Ha Ha!
10.How Facebook Changes the Molecules in Your Blood
11.How to Convince Your Child to Elope So You Can Save $30,000 on a Wedding That Has a 75% Chance of Ending in Divorce
12.Disgusting Facts About Bras and the Women Who Wear them
13.How Your Pajamas May Be Enlarging Your Pituitary Gland
14.Teens—Dumber Than Ever Because of Technology
15.Adults—Dumber Than Ever For Believing Technology Makes Teens Dumb
16.How Facebook is Stealing Your Soul
17.Why You Shouldn’t Throw Up in a Job Interview
18.Why You Shouldn’t Hit on Your Sister’s Best Friend’s Brother’s Girlfriend’s Sister
19.Ten Reasons Why Queen Elizabeth is Queen Elizabeth
20.How to Create the Perfect Wedding Dress from Corn Chips
21.The Seven Worst Names for Your Iguana
22.The Three Best Baby Gifts for Panda Bears
23.How to Eat Corn, Tacos, and Ribs on a First Date
24.Sex Positions That Will Drive Your Neighbors Wild
25.Everything You Need to Know About Chewing Gum
26.Why Your Dog is Plotting Your Death
27.The Terrifying Microbes That Inhabit Your Armpits
28. Amazing Feats of Courage by Skunks
29. The Best Pets for Prison Inmates
30. Beauty Secrets of the Pharoahs
31. Why Your Cat Crochets When You're Not Home
32. How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse with Tampons
What do you think? Have any article ideas? Please do share. :)